The Prompt:The Response:
My post-it question was pretty intense...
AM I GOING TO FUCK IT ALL UP?
Well. After several horrible days and too many hours of crying, fretting and contemplating I stormed into my bathroom, ripped the post-it off the mirror, crumpled it up in my fist and stared at my reflection long and hard. I refuse to fail. I have always refused to fail, so why am I suddenly doubting my own capabilities? The answer, in case it isn't clear already, is NO.... I am not going to eff it all up. And even if I do, I will figure out a way to come back stronger and better and fix things to a level I never thought possible.
What I've slowly come to realize is that every recent college graduate is having an existential crisis right now. For 21 (or 22 or 23 or whatever have you) years we have been told exactly what the next step is supposed to be in our lives. If you just graduated from college and are suddenly in the real world and you AREN'T shitting your pants, something is seriously wrong with you. With so many options and so many paths to take, we're bound to make some mistakes and we definitely should be questioning our decisions.
I'm at a point in my life where nothing seems to be going right. I have no job, I'm living back at my parents house, I have no idea what my plan is (something unheard of for me) and worst of all - I feel completely alone. I've left the place that felt most like home to me for a place that I can no longer call my own. I'm trying my best to make it work, but it seems that my efforts have been lacking so far. Every night I go to bed feeling unsatisfied and disappointed in myself, and this my friends is probably my biggest mistake.
I am trying with all my might to stay strong and optimistic, but it's really really hard. I am incredibly grateful for a supportive family and caring friends, but somehow I still feel completely lost and somewhat of a failure. This was not my plan, and I think that's what makes me most upset.
So. To answer the question I asked myself, no... I am not going to fuck it all up. I hope that as long as I keep reminding myself of this, I will find the strength to forget yesterday and fight harder tomorrow. I am a born fighter, and I know that, but sometimes I wonder how much fight is left in me. And more importantly, when do I start winning my battles?