My biggest problem in life is that I fear trusting people. I stopped trusting people when I was about seven years old. I dealt with some typical elementary school drama and somehow let myself decide that humanity sucks and people in general are selfish and inconsiderate and NOBODY is to be trusted. As I grew up over the years this belief continued to fester within me and put a strain on all my relationships in life. It was probably fueled by a series of backstabs and heartbreaks that followed me through high school.
When I first got to college, I didn't think I'd fit in as well as I did. I went into it with the mindset of having fake friends (again) and I was pretty sure I would walk away unaffected by the people I met over the course of four years. Boy oh boy was I wrong. My freshman year I met a girl that truly changed my life - she taught me how to open myself up to people and she saw me and understood me better than I knew myself. Kelly, I think I am only just realizing how much I truly love you. She taught me that it's ok to put myself out there again and trust and love my friends unconditionally, and more importantly, she taught me that it is imperative for me to expect those very things from my friends as well.
She passed away in the second semester of our freshman year in a freak and tragic accident, but I love her so much to this very day and I am forever grateful for everything she taught me in the short period of time I got to know her. She also brought me to the people I would come to know and love for the rest of my college days. My sophomore year I lived with 3 amazing girls that all furthered my lessons in trusting.
I was terrified going into the situation - I had never maintained girl friends in my life, much less lived with 3 girls I hardly knew. They loved me anyways. Despite my fears and doubts and hesitations, they were incredibly patient with me and persisted in proving to me that love doesn't always have to hurt. They were constant reminders in my life that I am wonderful and although I had shitty people in my life in the past, my judgement of a person was not something I should fear or run away from. I miss these girls more than ANYTHING in the whole world and being away from them physically hurts me.
Despite the leaps and bounds I have come in defeating this fear of mine, I had a pretty intense relapse last week. Anyone who knows me personally knows that there are very few people in this world I ABSOLUTELY cannot stand. There are, in fact, less than 5 of them. I'm an incredibly tolerant and patient person, and I will put up with a lot of crap before I finally throw my hands up and walk away from someone without EVER looking back. Unfortunately, the first person to ever put me in this position has resurfaced in my life.
Without getting into the nitty gritty details, let me just say that I let this person get back under my skin (without me even seeing him/her or talking to him/her, which is the most amazing part of this whole saga) and convince me that who I am and what I stand for is wrong and stupid. Ugh. I hate myself more than anything for allowing such idiotic thoughts provoked by such an idiotic person to consume me entirely and turn me against my oldest and dearest friend. I started doubting my undying trust and faith in him. I started going legit crazy and in turn driving him crazy too. Worst of all, I started pushing him away and keeping him on the outskirts of my life and my deepest thoughts.
Needless to say, he slapped me upside the head with a rubber chicken and knocked some sense back into me and I have thankfully rediscovered my sense of calm. And this is what my greatest fear in life is - that I will always encounter these people and these moments that drive me so crazy that I lose faith in my loved ones and myself. That the little things will start building up and become a giant snowball of fear. That maybe my experiences in elementary school, middle school and high school have messed me up for good. That one day, that good and patient friend won't care anymore about my well being and won't be there to slap me upside the head with a rubber chicken. That last one, well that's the biggest doozy of them all.
What it comes down to, just to sum this long post up real quick, is that I'm afraid that my newfound trust in the universe just might disappear overnight if I let my guard down too much. Here's hoping the universe proves me wrong....